Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Another Brick in the Wall


 I have always had a fear of meeting people. Going outside and interacting with the world has at times in my life been scary and painful. Suspicious of conversing lest my inbuilt self-consciousness creep to the fore and expose my lack of faith in my own intelligence to the rest of society. It's called social phobia and I think many people suffer from it to an extent. But some of us suffer more than most.

 It has been the bane of my life. I know there are opportunities that have been missed due to my recalcitrance and lack of self-belief and my reluctance to push myself into the glare of the public spotlight, even if it is only a small circle of people who are aware of my presence in the world at that particular moment.

 I think being born with a hare lip and cleft palate, a particularly noticeable infraction of physicality, probably sharpened my paranoia as I grew up and caused much of  reason behind my retreat from the greater world. The slings and arrows catapulted my way during the tormenting years of school certainly impacted on my psyche and still resonate now and again, way down in the deep, dark  muddy pit at the bottom of my soul where no one from the outside can penetrate.


 I am a lot happier person now than I was in the precarious days of my youth. It's been a slow road from there until now and it has been a brick by brick process of confidence building to a point where I feel the foundations of my life are solid and nothing much scares me anymore. I have in some ways, as I sit here this morning, almost finished my journey  to the top of the mountain. But there are a few inhibitions which still bedevil and slightly torment me. A wall of stone and concrete has been built around me keeping the doubts and worries out but they can still sneak through a loophole now and again. This morning was a case in point.

 A friend of ours asked if I could pick up some tickets for a show which is being held at an auditorium a few hundred metres from our home. Of course it is no problem but for me it was an agonising decision over when to ring the place to see if someone is manning the desk and a scary prospect to walk down in person and pick them up. Sometimes social phobia will strike when you least expect it. But nowadays I can walk through the door and face the demons and pass them by. They don't seem so large anymore. The tickets are now in my hot little hands and my conscience is happily singing and praising me and reminding me that nothing in life isn't really as bad as it seems and the world outside is too gorgeous and interesting to shut yourself away from it. Another brick goes into that wall!

 And now, with task complete I can look forward to the rest of the day although it holds no fascination as it is yet another journey through he desolate wasteland of employment. But I can see the light ahead beckoning on and I know life will continue to be good and productive. Just one foot in front of the other. Follow me if you are game.

 Have a nice day.

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